AFTER less than seven years of marriage, I’d had enough and asked for a divorce. That was two years ago. We’d sort of grown apart, in spite of our son. We recently met up in my office to try to be friends and discuss ways of bringing up our son.
I was amazed to see how confident and sexy my ex looked. It was impossible to take my eyes off her body, which I once knew so well, and we ended up having sex the next time we met.
I was really surprised because sex was boring in our marriage and she went off it altogether when she had our son, which is one of the reasons I left her. But since the divorce, she’s had several lovers and is now really adventurous and hot in bed.
She’s also lost a lot of weight and looks fantastic again. I was struck by her beauty when I first met her. Now, I feel myself wanting to be with her again. Do you think the good sex will last?
Taofik, by e-mail.
Great sex is a big plus in any relationship but, sadly, just because you’re getting on better in bed doesn’t mean you’ll get on better out of it.
The reason why sex is great two years on from the divorce is because all the frustration, anger and resentment that were responsible for the demise of your marriage have disappeared. You’ve both forgotten the bad bits, idealized the good and are enjoying the lovely sex reunited exes often experience… temporarily.
Divorce is often painful, messy and horribly upsetting. You’ve both now had the chance to recover, licked your wounds and feel stronger. Seeing each other again when you’re both on your best behaviour helps to shroud the past in a fog of romantic idealism.
Of course, sex is better than it was when you left – it’s familiar so it feels safe, but forbidden as you’re not supposed to sleep with your ex-wife. Your ex is also eager to show off the new tricks she’s learned to impress you – and reinforce that even if you didn’t want her, other men do. Your initial attraction to your wife was physical and yet the marriage still didn’t survive.
Again, the attraction here is physical. She looks great again and the lusty sex is back. These are dodgy reasons to return, because they can change so quickly.
Successful long-term relationships are based on qualities that don’t easily alter – like personality, intelligence, a sense of humour due to kindness. You’ve not mentioned any reasons for reconciliation that are not related to sex or appearance.
The time to try again is when both of you have worked out what went wrong the first time. You must both be willing to change and have sensible strategies of how to stop it falling apart again. I don’t see any evidence of that having happened here.